Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
When you put it that way… 😂
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.