Nice try, NASA
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
new record!
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful