Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
You Might Also Like
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?