Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

*looks at you in batman voice*

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

SQUARREL

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter