Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
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Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.