Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles