Nice try, poison.
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Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.