Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”