Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Gemma Correll
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
can’t believe I got front row seats
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
