Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Y’all ready for this

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.