Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?