Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
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Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?