Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
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Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
shut up and take my money
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”