Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Twitter remains undefeated
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.