Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
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If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?