Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
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The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Peace was never an option
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
(grounding my kid) go outside.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.