Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
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“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.