Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
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Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
*puts words between two asterisks*
can I use a minion as a tampon
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono