Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
When you kidnap a writer.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.