Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺