Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Breaking news:
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.