Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t talk my ride’s here

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

🥲

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”