Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

😭😭😭

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Nice try Hitler