Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.