Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

“Huge”.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!