Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

The Joker was right

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.