Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

become ungovernable

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself