Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

asked my bf how work was today

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong