Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
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Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.