Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
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Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
the zen of frog
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.