Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

peep davidson

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Chemical wingman

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them