Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
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*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies