Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
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Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
jesus, what did this guy do
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
