Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men