nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
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What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.