nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
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My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.