Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
You Might Also Like
Encore…
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.