Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
You Might Also Like
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”