Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
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i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
🤣😈🤣
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s