Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
You Might Also Like
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Would you wear it?
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy