Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
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My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
#Thanos #MondayMood
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.