Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

OMG 🤣🤣

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬