Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
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[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.