nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
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My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Hmmmmm
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
The honesty is refreshing
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”