nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
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It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.