Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point