Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
i wish i could marry a nap
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
The biggest mystery of our time
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.