@alfageeek

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

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@sixfootcandy

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

@Heatinblack

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

@PaperWash

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

@thatsmybeercan3

How many of you are happy that the shit we did as teenagers couldn’t be outted on social media?

@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@visionbored2

do people name their babies Walter or do they just materialize in accounting firms

@thenatewolf

I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.

@KeetPotato

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

@truegritrumble

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*