Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Need WebMD
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
*praying for world peace*
God:
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes