Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

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Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.


Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale


Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.


How many of you are happy that the shit we did as teenagers couldn’t be outted on social media?


God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.


do people name their babies Walter or do they just materialize in accounting firms


I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.


prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”


*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*