Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
