Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

worst…sale…ever

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.