Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.