Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…