Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.