Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.