Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Stop.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything