Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.