Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.