Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
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“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
What is going on? 😅
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
out-housing market appears to be strong
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.