Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

gentlemen, hear me out

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses