Nigella has gone too far this time.
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If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind