Nigella has gone too far this time.
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Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
.. do you even science?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?