I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.