*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
181.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
My dating profile:
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there