Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

Donkey Kong sommelier

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here