“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
grandpa was shocked
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”