Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

Best spoiler warning ever

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]