Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?