Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

Ken is short for chicken

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.