Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin

*puts words between two asterisks*

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

The first step is admitting you have a staircase.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.