Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

😐

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Life is a suicide mission.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what